‘Is he/she my soulmate?’
This is a question I get asked a lot, especially from the women I work with one-on-one.
‘When will I meet my soulmate?’
‘How will I know it’s him/her?’
‘Am I in the wrong relationship?’
‘What if my husband is not my soulmate?’
Such seemingly big questions if you, like most people, buy into the ‘soulmate’ thing.
Well… I’ll cut to chase here and say it… cue the drumroll….
I don’t believe in soulmates.
Or more accurately… I don’t believe we have one specific soulmate that is for us, in the way society conditions us to believe.
I believe that we are own very own soulmates, and that the person we are on planet earth to fall in love with, is the person we see in the mirror each day.
Yes, YOU are your soulmate!!!
I also believe, that when we fall in love with ourself, then we will attract someone in who is our match.
Who is ready to meet us where we are.
Who is ready to commit to the growth journey together.
But that growth journey isn’t about living perfectly in harmony for the rest of our lives, full of romance and great sex and constantly seeing eye-to-eye.
In fact, that is rarely the case when we meet someone who is ready for a soul-deep relationship.
I prefer the term ‘soul-deep relationship’ over soulmate.
How did I arrive at this belief around relationships?
Let me share my personal story…
I have always been the BIGGEST romantic.
You know, the type of has seen every chick-flick on the planet and reads romance novels by the dozen.
Yep, that was me!
And I always dreamed of finding my soulmate, complete with the magical Hollywood moments.
Cue corny (and super romantic) music right here!
If you’ve read my book Getting Naked – The Dating Game, you’ll know I kissed many a toad, all in the search for my Prince.
Sparks flew, romance fell my way…
Yet, none of these men actually stayed.
None of them would commit.
And I’m not talking about committing in terms of a ring, I’m talking about to a Facebook status of ‘In a relationship’.
As I dated man after man… I continued to work on myself… and study relationships…
You know, do all the typical self-help style courses, read self-help books (’til I needed to buy a new bookcase or three) and learn, learn, learn…
Yet after dozens of failed dates, flings and mini relationships, I started to ask the question:
Why can’t I find my soulmate?
Where the hell is he?
Am I going to be one of those sad souls and be single forever?
Even my mum gave up hope for me, concluding I was just one of those career-women who doesn’t get married or have a family!
It was about this time, I embarked on an energy healing training, and my mentor – who I came to respect greatly – shared that the latest guy I was dating was my soulmate.
My soulmate had arrived!!!
He was different to the kind of guy I usually went for – a little more clean cut that usual (I usually went for the haven’t shaven for a week muso-kinda looking guy) – and he was totally into me.
Sex was AMAZING!!!
I LOVED being with him on all levels.
Yet… he would go AWOL… regularly.
‘I need space to get my head together,’ was a common phrase thrown my way to explain his impending absence.
I’d already played that pattern out with a guy I’d totally fallen for three years earlier, who a psychic had co-incidentally, also told me was my soulmate.
Like the previous guy where this happened, he was constantly telling me how into me he was.
And his actions seemed to indicate that in fact he was.
Yet… he couldn’t commit.
It got to the point where he couldn’t commit to a date, let alone a relationship.
Yet, my mentor kept telling me, ‘Give him time, he’s your soulmate.’
And so I let this guy mess me around a little longer, until finally…
I decided enough was enough.
There was a pattern playing out and I needed to look at that pattern.
I looked at all my past dates, flings and relationships and realised the common dominator, was…
As much as I didn’t want to admit it.
OK, obviously I had something going on that needed healing, and while it was far easier to blame the latest cad, where was that getting me?
Certainly no closer to finding my soulmate.
I could keep blaming the guys, and thus, giving away my power, or a could get serious about resolving this reoccuring pattern.
So I stopped dating men, and I started dating… ME!
In fact, I spent 6 months dating me, wining and dining myself as I would a lover, while at the same time, going intensely deep into my childhood wounding and cleaning up my relationship gunk.
Then one night I was out playing with my band, when I saw a guy.
He was totally the look I go for; think Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol mixed with a little Zach Braff!
Maybe not your type, but TOTALLY what I’m into – lol!!
Yet unlike the more confident guys I dated, this guy seemed quieter.
And instead of the normal ‘sparks flying’ kind of feeling I often got about a guy, I felt this inner knowing that this guy had some place in my life.
Fast forward three dates and we were in a relationship.
He had committed to me in a way that every other guy wouldn’t!
Sex was more gentle, and at the time this concerned me; where were my fireworks??
Conversations were far deeper than I’d ever experienced.
And instead of the addictive must-see-guy-24/7-thing I usually had going on, I felt at ease, as a gentle happiness settled into my heart.
This new experience confused me and excited me at the same time.
My mentor, obviously picking up on my confusion, kept telling me, this guy was NOT my soulmate.
That he would halt my growth.
‘He’s a puppy and you’re superwoman’ were his exact words. ‘Puppies don’t fly!’
Growth was soooooo important to me.
So after two months, and constantly being told I was wasting my time with someone who was not my soulmate, I broke up with this guy.
What followed was two weeks of feeling right to my heart, that I had made the very wrong decision.
Yet, this relationship had felt different to anything I’d ever experience, and yes, sex was less fireworks and more deep connection – which I kept trying to block out…
And yes it made me question if he was my soulmate, but…
It felt more wrong to NOT be in the relationship.
So after much consideration, two weeks later, we got back together.
And over the next few months I started to distance myself from my mentor, and start to feel into this ‘soulmate’ thing.
What was a soulmate?
How did you know when you’d found your soulmate?
And most importantly was this guy my soulmate?
After much soul searching I got my answer.
Here’s what I discovered…
Feeling super crazy about someone…
You know that addicted, obsessed kind of feeling, is more an indicator of someone who is simply coming into your life, to help reflect back to you your wounds.
Oh, ouch… right?
They have wounds, and you have wounds – we all have wounds so don’t get too caught up about it – and you are coming together to heal those wounds, not necessarily coming together forever.
What you’ll often find in these kinds of relationships, is that the people who get us the most charged and most excited will resemble our parents in some way.
Makes sense, right?
Because they are here to play out your childhood wounding with you.
While that might sound bad, it’s not.
This person who has come into your life to excite and trigger you, is giving you an opportunity to heal your stuff.
But chances are, they may not be someone who wants to stick around and heal with you.
And that’s ok, because it simply means you can enjoy the passion, while healing your wounding, each time you get triggered.
Consider it a free therapy!
Free super-charged therapy mixed in with passion.
What’s really important to realise when you find yourself in this kind of relationship, is that all the passion in the world is pointless, if the person won’t hold you in your darkest moments, and be willing to reflect and heal their own wounds, as you heal yours.
The passionate lover will simply play out your childhood wounding with you.
They will judge you, they will make you feel small.
And after ripping your emotional wellbeing to threads, they will probably leave.
Leaving you… in pieces.
They won’t always leave you physically, but they will abandon you emotionally.
You’ll spend your time inside a physical relationship, only to feel completely alone.
Left to spiral down into your wounding, completely on your own.
This is super common, because we’ve been taught to believe – through cultural conditioning – that the sign of our soulmate is chemistry.
The internal (and sometimes external) fire-works display.
While we want to feel passion, we don’t want to feel it in a way that leads to destructive explosions, right?
How do you know the person you are with is up for a soul-deep relationship with you?
They’ll trigger you – yep, that’ll still happen – but they won’t leave at the first sign of discomfort.
They’ll stick around, and be open to working through things with you.
That commitment to healing with you is a HUGE sign, that you’ve found your person (what society call ‘the one’ if you like that label).
This person will show up with integrity and will hold space so you feel safe enough to heal in their presence.
When you have someone who is willing to show up and work on themselves and the relationship, your wounding starts to dissolve, and what is left is a far deeper alchemical love that is much more profound than any surface chemistry.
What’s really beautiful when you find this person, who helps facilitate your healing, is that you start to become more of who you truely are.
You start to really heal your relationship with YOU!
That is why I believe romantic relationships are one of the best self-help programs you can enrol in, if you’re willing to do the work.
If you’ve got the skills and understanding of how to heal your stuff as it arises.
You’ll know if you’ve found this soul-deep relationship if over time, you find yourself become a better person; more kind, more connected, more compassionate, more empowered and more purposeful.
If, on the other hand, you’re feeling like you’re losing yourself, losing confidence, losing your self-worth, losing your ability to stay true to your inner most feelings, then chances are, you’re not in the right relationship for you.
I experienced this plenty of times.
My partner would criticise my work or my clothing choices.
They would continually say things that would make me doubt myself.
What was happening here, was the guy was playing out his own insecurities, and not wanting to look at them, was projecting them onto me.
This is one of the biggest causes of relationship break-downs.
All of that said, there will be times in your soul-deep relationship that you feel drained or triggered or down on life.
Relationships, like anything in life, go through cycles.
Often when you’re feeling down, it’s because there is a growth opportunity for you to experience.
It’s when this is constant, and over time, you are becoming less of your authentic self, that you need to reflect on whether this is the right relationship for you.
Note that: You’re not looking for someone who makes you feel whole, for you should feel whole on your own.
It’s very easy to get caught up in thinking that we need to find ‘the one’ and if we don’t we won’t be happy.
The truth is, that while there will be moments of happiness when you enter a soul-deep relationship, the real purpose of a romantic life-long relationship, is for personal growth for the two people involved.
Our partner is there to act as a mirror.
So reflect back to us, all the ‘stuff’ we are yet to heal.
So in that resect, we can expect to be triggered by the one we love.
We can expect to feel challenged.
We can expect to feel all sorts of emotions – hate, anger, fear, isolation, desperation – rise to the surface.
And when they do, we can do one of two things…
We can run and hide or lash out; essentially we can react to the trigger.
OR… we can take a moment to breathe, and go inside and feel what our partner’s words or actions triggered within us.
For when we get triggered, in our romantic relationship or with anyone, we are simply being shown one of our wounds.
And more often than not, that wound will date back to our childhood.
Something will have happened when we were a child, probably to do with our mother or father, that wounded us.
And we carry that wound into our romantic relationships.
What’s beautiful about our romantic relationships, is that as our partner triggers us, they are shining light on that wound, so we have an opportunity to look at it.
And thus, heal it.
When we take this approach to our relationships we realise that our partner is not the problem, the wound is the problem.
Our partner is simply helping us see the wound.
And this is such a gift!
For it is only when we have this kind of awareness of our wounds, can we then begin the healing process.
Now… what many people say when they find themselves in this kind of relationships is:
‘This can’t be what love feels like’.
This is because we have been brainwashed into thinking that love must feel a certain way.
Think fairytale Prince and Princess, or Hollywood happily ever after chick-flick.
The thing is, these stories never tell you what happens, during the happily ever after.
It’s not that we can’t experience a fairytale romance, it’s that fairytale romance looks and feels a little different to what we’ve ben taught.
Just as great sex – like really heart-connected full body orgasmic sex – doesn’t look like a porno!!
It’s much different.
Often, there’s far less physical movement, and far more internal movement.
Of course, that wouldn’t create a very interesting visual for spectators!!
What usually happens when we find true love (aka, our soulmate, if you’d still like to call it that) is because of our conditioning around what love (and sex) should look like, we walk away.
We go for something that we ‘think’ is closer to what we picture true love to be like.
Your soulmate could be standing right there in front of you, but you walk right on by.
Or maybe you entertain him/her for five minutes, only to think ‘Nah, this isn’t what I’m after’, when deep down, this is what your soul is yearning for.
The simple truth is…
We are not told what soul-deep relationships look and feel like.
We watch Hollywood movies or remember the fairytales we grew up with, and this becomes our measure for if we’ve found our soulmate.
Many of us see our parent’s relationships, and this too, conditions our thinking towards what a relationship should be like.
The real question is:
Who are we becoming together?
Are we evolving together?
Are we supporting each other’s personal journeys?
You’ll know you’re in a soul-deep relationship when the person is supportive of your growth, and while they may trigger you at times and question your beliefs, overall they believe in your path.
When your partner questions you and your choices, it’s because some part of you is questioning your choices.
In this instance, your partner is doing you the beautiful service of reflecting this back to you, so you can heal it.
All of that said, if you’re in a violent relationship, this does not serve anyone.
Growth does not happen through violence of any sort.
What happened to that guy?
The one I broke up with, then got back together with?
The one that my mentor said wasn’t my soulmate, yet I felt a connection with?
Did we stay together?
He was ready for growth.
He was ready to commit; and when I say that, I mean commit to a conscious relationship and not run away a the first sign of inner discomfort.
He was ready to be my mirror, and me his.
He is now my beloved husband.
And the father of my child.
We have super romantic moments.
We also have major triggering conversations that lead to all sorts of emotions, that are followed by deep deep healing and resolution that only strengthens our connection and our love for each other.
Is he my soulmate?
Sure… why not!
If you like that label, go with it!
But in all truth, my real soulmate is ME!
And by recognising and honouring myself as my soulmate, my husband is the direct reflection of this.
He is the person I am experiencing a soul-deep relationship with and I believe we will continue to support and grow together for this lifetime.
So… Are you ready for a soul-deep relationship?
Would you like to fall in love with you, so you can attract in soul-deep relationship with someone else?
When I originally created this course, I designed it specifically for people to attract in a healthy soul-deep relationship.
That was its purpose.
Yet, as I was putting the finishing touches on it I realised that if you applied these exact same techniques to all areas of life – money, career, health, and so on – that it worked just as well.
So if you’d like to learn these skills – learn how to heal your relationship with you – so you can have a gorgeous relationship with yourself, and thus a partner, your health, your finances, your purpose and your emotions…
Then I look forward to teaching you the Five Step Formula for Self-Love and how to apply that to recognise triggers, heal wounds and create the life you always dreamed of.
We all deserve to journey through this life with love.
Please leave your comments below on your experience with ‘soulmates’, as I’d love to hear about your experiences too!
And if you’d like to read more about relationships, check out these blogs I wrote a few years back: