Change him or change me? Where do you sit?

Tamra MerciecaRelationship HealthLeave a Comment

It’s not often I single out women, but they seem to be the main culprits when it comes to thinking they can change a man.

How many times do we hear her say: ‘Oh, it’s ok I’ll change him once we’re married’, or ‘He’s changing into the man I want him to be?

Well, I’ve gotta ask: Why did you date him in the first place, if he wasn’t already the guy of your dreams?

Sure every guy – just like every woman – has her lovable and not so lovable traits.

But as soon as you try to change them, you do yourself and your partner a disservice.

Our personal traits always have a positive side and a shadow side.

If you try to take away the shadow side (which will be a struggle if you do manage it at all), then you risk losing the positive too.

To put this into context: My partner has a habit of chasing butterflies.

And by that, I mean he’ll be doing one task, and then get distracted by something that will take him off task.

Now from a business perspective this can be a little disabling.

And…. when he says he’ll do the dishes then gets distracted by that You Tube video!

But from a personal perspective, it means that should I need him for emotional support or to help me do something, he’s always available to offer a helping hand or ear.

He’s very generous with his time – nothing’s ever a trouble to him.

Now if I were to try and stop him chasing butterflies, (not only would he kick up a stink no doubt) sure he might get more work (and the dishes) done, but he may not have time for his relationship with me.

See how each trait comes with a positive and negative side.

It’s one thing to offer your thoughts if your man asks for your opinion, but it’s another to actively attempt to make him someone he’s not.

The healthiest role we can play in any romantic relationship is as a partner, not a parent, a teacher or a preacher.

If he’s not enough for you today, chances are he won’t be enough for your tomorrow… or in five years time!

If there’s one thing for sure, you can’t change another person.

Trying to change him is a fruitless task.

A person is solely responsible for his or her own growth and no amount of pushing, prodding or dragging your man to where you want him to be will work.

The only person you can change is YOU!

So if you value growth and you’re in a relationship with a man who doesn’t, then it’s up to you to decide whether you stay or go.

Don’t try and change him.

Let him go to someone who loves him for who he is.

You can’t be with a person based on their potential.

You either accept them as they are, or you date someone who has the qualities you’re after.

The most you can hope for is to inspire him into change.

And that means leading by example and changing YOU first.


Putting the focus on YOU, not him.

He’s his own person and you need to respect that.

Just consider how you would feel if he started trying to change you into someone you’re not!

Oh, and one last thing.

If you do find yourself tending to be a ‘fixer’ in relationships then perhaps it’s time to look in the mirror.

Those people who try to fix others are doing so to take the attention off what they need to repair within themselves.

All change starts with you.

So heal those wounds and notice how your relationships reflect your personal change.

If you’d like to learn how to have a nourishing and healthy relationship, then you’ll enjoy exploring the Remarkable Relationships online course which teaches you how to fall in love with you, so you can create an AMAZING relationship with someone else.

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