What if the secret to attracting in The One—or bringing your current relationship back to life—wasn’t out there, but already within you? So many of us spend years searching, longing, or even struggling in love, thinking the answer is about ‘finding the right person.’ But what if, instead of chasing love, we started to cultivate love?

In this episode on I Love Me the Podcast, I’ll be sharing a simple yet profound practice that has completely transformed my love life—and the lives of my clients. Whether you’re calling in your soulmate, healing a relationship that feels stuck, or simply wanting deeper connection to yourself and your life, this tool is going to change how you see yourself, and how you see love.

 

Simple, inspiring lessons in self-love. Hello gorgeous, it’s Tamra here.

To kick off Season 5 of I Love Me The Podcast we’re diving into a topic very close to my heart; the key to attracting in The One.

And here’s the beautiful thing—it also works if you’re already in a relationship that feels stale, off-track, or even on the brink of separation.

So whether you’re single and longing to attract in someone special, or partnered but craving more harmony, this episode is for you.

Now, you’re probably wondering:

What is this ‘key’ to attracting in The One?

Well, chances are you’ve heard of the key to attracting in The One before—but most people only ever do half of it, which is why it doesn’t work so well.

The key is this:

Create a Perfect Partner List.

If you’ve done this before and it didn’t seem to work, stay with me.

Like I said, most people only do the first half of this exercise, which is a good start, but not the bit that allows you to welcome in your ideal partner, or heal an existing relationship.

That’s why today I’ll share the missing piece of the practice.

Let’s begin with Step One: Create Your List.

Start by writing down at least 20 qualities you want in your ideal partner.

And be specific.

Do you want someone who is loyal, genuine, down-to-earth, good with money, fit…

Write down all the qualities you can think of.

If you get stuck, think back to relationships that didn’t work out.

Identify the qualities that you disliked, and write down the opposite.

For example, if you had a really great partner but they just couldn’t commit, write ‘committed’ or ‘shows up fully in relationships’.

Or if you had someone who was a glass-half-empty kind of person, write down ‘sees the world positively’.

Once you have your list, check to make sure every quality is written as something you DO want, not something you’re trying to avoid.

For example, instead of writing ‘non-smoker’, write ‘makes healthy choices’ or ‘cares for their body’ or write down both of those.

This is a list you want to be focusing on and creating.

So if one of your qualities is something you’re trying to move away from, like in the example of smoking, then all your subconscious mind registers is the ‘smoking’ bit.

Not the ‘non’ bit.

Flipping it into a positive statement, keeps your focus where it needs to be, to attract in what you want, which in this case, is someone who cares enough about their body, that they only put healthy things into it.

So you have your list of at least 20 qualities.

20 qualities is the minimum you want to start with, but by all means, you can have 30 or 40 or 50.

The more specific you are, the better.

And remember, this is a living document—you can always add to it later as new qualities come to mind.

So treat this list very much as a work in progress.

Ok, so that’s step one; the easy part.

Step two: Put a star next to all the qualities YOU are NOT currently being.

All the qualities you are yet to fully embody yourself.

You see…

Attracting in The One requires you to become The One.

Because like attracts like.

We don’t attract what we want—we attract who we are being.

This principle shows up everywhere, not just when you’re attracting in the one.

If we want financial abundance, we have to first be the kind of person who knows how to hold and receive wealth.

If we want a loving, healthy relationship, we have to show up as loving and healthy ourselves.

So if you’re calling in someone loyal, you need to practice loyalty—to yourself, to your commitments, to your practices.

If you want someone who cares for their body, you need to care for your body—through nourishing food, joyful movement, getting enough sleep…

And if these are areas you need to work on—so you can in the process of attracting in the one—here are some links to episodes that can support you there:

Ep.37 Let Food Be Thy Self-Loving Medicine. 

Ep.60 Sleep Like Your Life Depends On It. The Healing Power Of A 10pm Bedtime.

Ep.83 The 5-Minute Dance Break That Could Change Your Life. 

So one by one, look honestly at your starred qualities.

Then begin the beautiful work of becoming those qualities.

Because the more you align with the qualities on your list, the more you naturally attract in someone who embodies them too.

The more you can work through your past stuff, clear out the parts of you that you don’t love so much, and come into a healthy, authentic relationship with yourself, the closer you come to attracting in The One.

Now, let me be clear—you can absolutely attract a partner before you’ve become every single quality on your list.

But chances are, that partner will meet you exactly where you are in your self-love journey.

Someone who matches the qualities you currently possess.

They’ll be your equal.

So the more time you invest in becoming the person on your list, the more likely you are to attract in a more aligned, more evolved mate.

Someone who has also done a lot of personal growth work, and reflects back the best in you.

Because that’s what this exercise does for you.

It invites you to look at all the qualities you want, but are not yet being, so you can then start the beautiful journey of clearing out the beliefs and ideas that are keeping you from possessing those qualities that are so important to you.

What I’m saying is that…

This isn’t just an exercise in attracting in The One…

It’s an exercise in becoming the most authentic version of yourself.

That’s why it’s a beautiful exercise to do, regardless of your relationship status.

Because it helps you become the person that deep down, you want to be.

The person who you truely are.

And that’s why this work is so powerful.

About six months before I met my husband, I sat down and wrote out about 30 qualities I wanted in a partner.

Then, one by one, I looked at the qualities I wasn’t yet being, came up with ways to be more of that quality, looking at the beliefs that were keeping me from being that quality, and clearing them.

This become a daily practice.

And if you’re not aware of the way beliefs guide our behaviours and actions, have a listen to Episode 2: Programmed for Love, as this episode shares exactly how our beliefs influence every part of our lives, and why it’s so important to have a belief clearing practice.

It took about six months of dedicated practice, but here’s what happened:

I became the person on that list.

And in doing so, I felt complete—no longer needing someone else to ‘fill me up’ or ‘complete me’.

Because in becoming that person on the list, I felt complete as I was.

And it was from that place of wholeness that I attracted in my husband.

Attracting in The One was about me being The One.

Because when we feel complete within ourselves, we naturally attract an equal—a partner who isn’t here to complete us, but to complement us.

For if you feel like something is lacking in your life, it’s not a partner you’re craving, it’s something you need to cultivate within yourself.

And if you do, then the person you attract in will be an equal match; you won’t be needing them to be in your life to feel whole, because you will already feel whole.

They’re simply the cherry on top.

Now, what I will say about this exercise, is:

Be careful what you wish for.

One of the qualities I put on my list, was:

‘Someone who will reflect all my unhealed stuff back to me, so we can grow together.’

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know I’m all about personal growth, getting naked emotionally, going deep into my personal blocks a clearing them..

Hence, why I put that one on my list.

So when I attracted in my husband, he was very true to that quality.

Always letting me know when I was out of integrity, and I’ll be honest, that can be confronting!

But, ultimately it’s what my heart-of-hearts wanted, because it has helped me and continues to help me be the most honest, humble and authentic version of me.

What I’m saying is:

Sometimes the qualities you call in, will stretch you.

That doesn’t mean they’re wrong—it often means you’re in exactly the relationship that will grow you into your truest self.

So you can enjoy a deep and respectful relationship that nourishes you on all levels.

So if you find yourself in a relationship that triggers you, know that the person is simply showing you a mirror reflection.

And I go into depth on this, in Episode 7: Use Your Relationships To Grow Your Self-Love.

Because ultimately, our relationships are here to grow us, to show us our cracks, our wounds, our places that need a little more love, so that we can expand into the person we are here to be.

Now, I mentioned before that it’s also beneficial to do a Perfect Partner list if you’re already inside a relationship.

Especially if that relationship isn’t feeling good anymore.

Write the list.

Identify the qualities you’re not yet being.

Start working towards being those qualities.

If you feel like your partner never listens, ask yourself:

Where am I not listening? To them? To myself? To others?

Then practice becoming a great listener.

What you’ll often find is that as you shift, your partner shifts too.

Our partners mirror our unhealed parts.

When we heal them, the dynamic changes.

Sometimes a partner may step away if they’re not ready to grow with you—but often, they rise up to meet you.

This is exactly what I see when I give this exercise to my clients.

By doing their own work, they stop blaming their partner for what’s unhealed within themselves.

They show up whole.

And when both partners do this individually, the relationship can thrive—because they’re no longer filling gaps or projecting wounds, but standing as equals.

Because, while you may feel like you don’t have any ability to change your relationship with your partner, the truth is…

You have soooo much power to change that relationship… but…

It all starts with changing your relationship with you…. first!

Once you’re willing to start there, with your relationship with you, then you give your relationship with your partner, the best chance of coming into harmony.

And this is the approach I take when working with couples.

So unlike many other therapists and counsellors who work with a couple together, I work with each person individually.

Each person creates their own Perfect Partner list.

We work through it together, identifying and clearing the beliefs that are keeping that person from being each of those qualities on the list.

And when two people do this independently, healing the stuff within—often the stuff they’ve been blaming their partner for—then they come back together as whole people.

No longer looking to each other to fill a gap, no longer blaming each other for their own inner wounds that they haven’t been able to or willing to look at…

Instead, they’re able to take full responsibility for their role in that relationship, and as a result, that relationship thrives.

Because like I teach in all my programs, your relationship with YOU is what sets the stage for your relationship with your partner, with your children, with your health, with your money, with your career…

With ALL of it.

So, if there’s one thing you take away from today’s episode, let it be this:

In order to attract in The One, you first need to be The One.

For your relationship with yourself is the foundation for your relationship with another person.

If you want to get on the road to attracting in The One or heal your current relationship, do the Perfect Partner list.

But don’t just write out the qualities…

Commit to actually doing the work to become the person on your list.

If you do, everything will shift, so you can live in harmony with a beautiful being, that reflects the beautiful being within you.

If this episode inspired you, I’d love for you to share it with a friend who’s also on the path to love. 

Make sure you hit follow so you don’t miss future episodes where we dive even deeper into self-love, healing relationships, and of course… attracting in The One.

And if you’re looking for support in knowing how to solidify your relationship with you, sign up for the FREE Self-Love Starter’s Kit.

This four week Mini Course gives you foundational practices that will grow your love for yourself, and help you begin the beautiful journey of becoming the person on your Perfect Partner List.

Now just a little update on the podcast…

This year episodes will be released fortnightly, as opposed to weekly like they have been over the past two years.

But if there is anything you really want me to cover, please contact me via my contact page let me know.

Because I love to share, what your heart-of-hearts is calling for right now.

Until next time, remember:

Love starts within.