OK, so I have a confession to make: I am a total romantic. I am in love with love stories. Real life love stories. So it’ll come as no surprise that in my 20s, one of the big things on my mind, was meeting my Prince, and living happily ever after.

But let’s just say by the time I hit 30, I wasn’t having much luck with men. In fact, after dating non-stop for many years, I was still kissing toads, and starting to lose faith. That’s when I knew I needed a new approach. That’s when I needed to try something radically different. That’s when I decided to start dating ME!

Today on I Love Me the Podcast, I’ll share how dating ‘myself’ invited me into a new way of loving myself. A new way of accepting myself. And a new way of being with myself. A way that, for the first time in my life, allowed me to feel whole and complete, just as I am.

And how it was ‘dating’ myself that led to my Prince.

 

Let me ask…

How do you feel about ‘dating’?

Think about that for a moment…

I know dating for some is a fun and flirty past-time, while for others, it brings up this feeling of dread and vulnerability.

Well..

If you’ve read my second book Getting Naked The Dating Game, you’ll know that I’ve dated a LOT.

And I dated a LOT because I thought it would give me a higher chance of meeting my guy.

When you hit your late 20s and you’re really set on getting married – complete with the big white poufy dress – and you still haven’t met someone even close to what you were hoping for…

Well… you kinda get desperate.

Little did I realise that no matter how many people I dated, I wasn’t going to meet The ‘proverbial’ One.

Why?

Because I wasn’t being The One.

You see, we attract into our life, exactly what we’re a match for.

In other words, if we have a whole lot of unresolved stuff going on, then we will attract in people to reflect that unresolved stuff right back at us.

If we’re not willing to commit to ourself.

Then it’s very common we’ll attract in lovers who are not willing to commit to us.

It’s the mirror reflection effect.

I talk about this phenomenon in depth in episode 7, Use your relationships to grow your self-love.

And this was the case for me.

I was meeting some great guys, but the good ones that I felt a connection with, would disappear.

There would be an undeniable connection, but then, for whatever reason, they wouldn’t hang around.

And all I knew, was that I was the common denominator.

So, that’s when I decided it was time to date someone spectacular.

Someone who inspired me to be the best me I could be.

Someone who wouldn’t leave me.

And that special someone, was ME.

So… I began dating myself.

In all honesty I wasn’t quite sure how to date myself.

So my first date was spent with a glass of wine, relaxed on my big red couch watching a chick flick.

I enjoyed myself.

But upon reflection, I realised I left that date not really knowing anything more about myself, than when I started the date.

And when we go on dates, the whole idea is to get to know the other person, right?

So I quickly ruled out alcohol and movies while on my self-dates.

Because while they’re fun – and there’s certainly a place for them in our life – they essentially distract us from ourselves.

Substances like alcohol numb us so we don’t have to feel ourself.

Turning on the television is another great way to keep the mind so busy, that there’s no space to experience our dreams, our possibilities, our truth…

There’s no space to experience the pain or fears or unhelpful beliefs and ideas that might be bringing us unstuck…

So I decided, no more dating the television.

And… no more alcohol.

I wanted to have a date that allowed me to get to know myself.

To see all of me, even if there were parts of me I wasn’t so familiar with or proud of.

But more importantly, I wanted to be present with myself on my dates.

So date two, I got all dressed up, as I would if I was meeting my future husband, and I took myself out to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

But as I sat down at the table I started to feel a bit self-conscious.

I started to worry what others might be thinking of me sitting here alone, wondering if I’d been stood up.

Would they pity me?

Feel sorry for me?

My heart started to go into a panic, flapping around like a freaked out butterfly unable to escape my ribcage!

Then I paused.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself, this is why I was here.

I was on this date to get to know myself.

To know what I liked – what I really wanted in life – and to know what brought me undone.

I realised then, I’d spent way too much of my life worrying what other people thought about me, and it had minimised my experience of life.

I’d played myself down, not wanting to be seen as different, weird, crazy!

Well, here I was.

Dating myself.

I was being different, and you know what, I was going to embrace it.

I was going to embrace myself, and stop apologising for being me.

So I continued to date myself.

And with each date I was offered front row seats to what I truely wanted in my life, as opposed to what I thought I should be heading towards…

I also became blatantly aware of my own insecurities and hang-ups.

As my past hurts and emotions took centre stage, I gave myself permission to be vulnerable.

Which as I’ll discuss in a future episode, is a great strength that offers you the opportunity to learn how to love and accept yourself on a much deeper level.

It was in these moments of silence, that I would feel my deep fears gush forth like a swollen river.

Fears of being left on the shelf, fears of never meeting anyone in time to make a baby, fears of living a lonely life with no one to grow wise with.

I realised, I’d been in denial about how I really felt about being single.

Instead, focusing my time and energy on my career, in a bid to be seen as an independent strong woman who was fine on her own.

But in truth, what I really craved… was connection.

Yet, I’d been pushing that connection away by coming across to all the guys I dated, as Miss Independent, who doesn’t need a guy.

I was leaving no space for a guy to support me.

To be there for me.

And that’s what relationships are for.

We don’t need them because we need to be saved, or taken care of…

We need them so we can connect.

So we can have someone to celebrate our wins with, so we can hold each other through our life struggles.

A loving person to share and explore with.

And in some cases make a family with.

I needed to be with my inner dragons.

I needed to be honest with myself.

And I needed to stop making myself out to be someone I wasn’t.

I needed to be me.

So over the next six months I allowed myself to feel.

To really feel myself.

To go on a journey with my past hurts and fears, and feel them.

Accept them.

I journalled…. and journalled some more.

I gave up the mask, and released my anger out onto my drumkit.

I identified the beliefs and ideas I had about myself, and released the ones that no longer served me; a process I now teach in my Remarkable Relationships course.

And I stopped drugging myself with a busy social life and started to listen to my loving inner voice, over the harsh voice of my mind.

And for better or worse, I decided I would never again, leave myself.

By date 72 I’d pretty much become a black belt ninja in dating myself.

And getting emotionally naked with myself had paid off, in more ways than I could imagine.

For one, I felt a deep heart-felt love for myself.

An acceptance of myself that filled me with confidence.

For the first time ever, I felt whole.

Complete.

On… my… own.

I realised that what I’d really been craving all this time… was myself.

To love myself.

I’d been waiting and searching, when I had all I needed right here, right now.

And now that I’d fallen in love with myself, I didn’t need a guy.

If a guy came in, sure, that would be the cherry on top, but my cake was as sweet as it could get, and I was happy, dating me.

Being in a relationship, with me.

It was within 2 weeks of arriving at this wonderful heart-full place – where I’d found love within myself – that my Prince did ride on in.

That was over 12 years ago now, and that Prince is now my husband and we have a beautiful little boy, who has travelled the world with us.

And this relationship was different from any relationship I’d had in the past.

It was deep, and honest and transparent.

There was a full commitment from both of us.

Right from the start.

There was love.

So much love.

And space to be true to ourselves.

And it was this way, because I’d spent time cultivating these qualities within myself.

And because I had, I’d opened myself up to attracting in a person who had those qualities too.

So that’s how I found my Prince!

I committed to a relationship with me, dating myself regularly, and went on a journey with myself.

Learning about myself.

Healing past hurts.

Healing past relationship baggage.

Feeling myself – which I’ll share more about in a future episode.

And even once I’d met my man… I kept dating myself.

I kept watering my seeds of self.

For life is full of ups and downs, and it was through dating myself that I was able to bring myself back to centre.

So I could show up in my relationship with myself and so I could show up in my relationship with my husband.

We think, on some level, that we know who we are.

But the truth is, we have so many layers, so much conditioning, that really getting to know our True Self, can be hard.

We might think we know who we are.

But often who we think we are, is a collection of beliefs and ideas that we’ve formed about ourself, based on the people we spent the most time around, especially as a child.

Yet, when we date ourself, as we would a lover, when we date ourselves regularly, and commit to spending this time with ourself…

Something magical happens.

We start to see who we really are.

Who we are underneath that mask we’ve been wearing in a bid to fit in and survive.

We get to know our True Self.

And just as when we date another person, each date offers us an opportunity to get to know that person a little bit more.

The same happens when we date ourself.

And continue to date ourself.

Now, as you heard from my story, I was dating myself while single.

So I committed fully to myself in that way, ONLY dating myself.

But this works equally well, when you’re inside of an intimate relationship with someone else.

Like I said, when my now-husband came onto the scene, I continued to date myself, so that I could continue to get to know myself that little bit more each date.

And so I could continue to commit to my relationship with me, while inside a relationship with my husband.

So this week I invite you to take yourself on a date.

Make time for yourself.

And go all out…. with all the frills and trimmings…

Put in the effort you would if you were dating your perfect person!

Your dream date!

Let it be special.

Because you are so worthy of that kind of love and attention and care.

And schedule the date into your planner, as you would a super important appointment.

Then show up.

Be present with yourself.

Notice yourself.

And be willing to go on a journey of feeling yourself full out.

It you wish someone would buy you flowers, buy them for yourself.

If you want romance, write yourself a string of Love Letters.

Take yourself on a picnic or a walk on the beach.

Cop a feel of your own divine body.

Enter into a committed, loving relationship with yourself, where you’re willing to hold yourself in your darkest moments, and celebrate yourself in your proudest moments.

The only real obligation we have in life, is to love ourself.

And the best way to love ourself is to stop… and be with ourself.

So do it!

Go on a date.

Be with yourself.

It’s not so much about the activity, as it is about how present you are to yourself on that date.

Let yourself really see you, for all that you are.

And like any good fairytale, love will prevail.

So, as you heard, my dating experience wasn’t all rainbows and fairy dust all the time…

One of the things that showed up on my dates, and will no doubt show up on your dates, is some negative self-talk.

Some insecurities and fears.

Please know this is NORMAL.

And next week, I’ll be sharing how you can edit that unhealthy self-talk, so you can enjoy a kinder dialogue with yourself.

If you loved this episode, I actually created it based on a talk I gave back in 2015, where I go into more fun and flirty details about my ‘dating myself’ adventures.

So if you’d like to hear that full audio, simply go here.

Enjoy dating yourself.