Mirror reflections: It’s not you, it’s me.

Tamra MerciecaRelationship Health4 Comments

I’ll be honest, I struggled to know what to call this blog, and Mirror Reflections: It’s not you, it’s me is what finally arrived into my consciousness.

For a long time relationships confused and baffled me, upset and hurt me, left me and abandoned me, and then one day… I learnt what I’m about to share here.

The following teaching on reflections is what completely transformed my experience with relationships.

And as a result, totally changed my life!

I now live in beautiful harmony with my gorgeous husband and cute-as-pie son.

I help people worldwide heal their most precious relationships.

And I nurture and care for my most important relationship:

My relationship with ME!

And it is because of the reflections I am willing to see and learn from.

This blog Mirror reflections: It’s not you, it’s me is my gift to you.

A gift that has the power to completely and totally change you, change your life, and change your experience of being you.

So… let’s begin shall we?

Being in relationship with other people is a necessary part of being human.

We need that connection.

But what if your relationships with others are more harmful than good?

What if when you spend time with certain people, you leave those meetings feeling ‘less than’, not good enough, drained, hurt, walked all over, belittled, or even bullied.

What do you do?

You can blame that person for how they treated you.

You can make up stories in your mind about how horrible this person is.

You can get angry, frustrated or upset.

They’re certainly options.

Not very empowering options, but options none-the-less.

Or…

You can choose to do something different.

Something radically different.

You can choose to take full responsibility for how this person treated you.

What?

‘But Tamra, I wasn’t the one being a dooshbag… They were!’

I know.

But here’s the thing…

How others treat you is a mirror reflection of how you treat yourself.

OK, breathe…

You’re safe.

It’s all ok.

Let me share a passage from the book A Course in Miracles by Helen Schucman:

‘When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter.
As you see him, you will see yourself.
As you treat him, you will treat yourself.
As you think of him, you will think of yourself.
Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself.’

I invite you to now re-read these words, only this time, pause after each phrase.

Sit with each word.

And notice how it feels in your body…

‘When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter.
As you see him, you will see yourself.
As you treat him, you will treat yourself.
As you think of him, you will think of yourself.
Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself.’

What this passage is saying, is that the world can show you yourself through reflections.

Yes, every interaction we have, every situation we experience, every person that triggers us, is showing us a mirror reflection of our inner world.

The thoughts we think, the behaviours we engage in, the habits we adopt, the ways in which we treat ourselves and others are all shown to us, through the people we interact with.

They are our mirror reflections.

If you have beautiful, kind, caring relationships with other people, this is a sign that you treat yourself and others in the same way.

But if your relationships with others are lacking in some way, maybe even abusive, this is a sign that you yourself are acting or behaving in a similar manner.

Maybe not to the same severity.

Or in such an obvious way.

Often the places upon which we need to do the most healing are shown to us in more extreme ways to get our attention.

But if we truthfully examine our lives, and are willing to look at how we may be acting in a similar way, we bring our own egoic behaviours to light.

And once we have this awareness, then we can begin the healing process.

For change can only happen, once we are aware that there is a change that needs to happen.

Now, I know there can be immense resistance to this.

Resistance to the very idea that a person’s behaviours are mirror refections of our own behaviours.

You might be saying to yourself:

‘But they’re the one in the wrong!’

And maybe a certain person did do or say something that was completely out of integrity, or downright harmful.

But as long as you hold onto the need to blame the other person, you disempower yourself.

There’s nothing you can do to heal the situation.

You give away your power and are left feeling bad.

Maybe you stew over the interaction for a few hours, days or months.

This person’s behaviour eats away at you, effectively diminishing your quality of life (not to mention your health).

Yet, when you’re willing to consider that maybe, just maybe, you had something to do with that sh*tty encounter, then you take the power back.

You put yourself in a place of being able to create change within that relationship.

And here’s how…

When you get triggered, or feel hurt by someone, or experience some form of negative reaction to how someone has treated you, ask yourself:

Where do I do that in my life?

(the nasty thing they did or said to you)

When you’re willing to sit with this question, ponder it, journal on it, explore it with an open mind and an absolute willingness to learn…

Then you’ll notice that, while you may not be doing that thing to such extremes, or in the same way, that yes, you are doing that thing.

Maybe you speak ill of other people at the office, or perhaps you treat your husband in a similar manner when you get upset, or…

Maybe you speak to yourself – in your head, or out loud – in a similar negative tone or the same flavour of harsh words.

It’s not at all uncommon, when life isn’t going your way, to say things to yourself like ‘I’m so stupid’, ‘I’ll never get this right’, ‘I can’t believe I made that decision, what an idiot’, ‘I’ll never trust again’, ‘I hate my thighs’… or something of this negative nature.

This is called self-abuse.

Yes, the negative things you say to yourself serve no other purpose than to hurt you and to hold you back from the things you aspire to having and being.

And it’s this negative self-talk that will be reflected to you through the people you meet each day.

Everyone is a walking mirror.

Every person is offering your direct reflections of your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

When you recognise this, when you’re willing to see life as a mirror – showing you the places within that need healing – then you’re able to learn and grow and expand far quicker and with far more grace.

No longer do you blame others or circumstances for how you feel.

Instead you take full responsibility for your life and everything that happens to you.

You see every uncomfortable moment as a gift; a gift of insight.

The moment we feel a negative emotion – anger, guilt, hurt – it can be so easy to try to give that emotion to someone else.

To blame someone for how we feel.

To project that feeling onto someone else, often the people who are closest to us.

The people we have the most history or the most rapport with.

Yet, these negative emotions are not designed to be passed on to each other.

They’re designed to be felt in the present moment, and in feeling them, we get to heal them.

So if you’re experiencing a fear-based feeling, due to a life situation or interaction, then there is healing to be had.

Healing for you.

And if there was another person involved in that experience – someone who has triggered that feeling in you – then they’re not the enemy.

They’ve simply shown you a part of yourself that needs more love.

They’re shining light on the limiting beliefs and ideas that need to be dug up so you can feel more whole, more at one with yourself.

So essentially, you can experience more love.

More love for others.

More love for the world.

And more love for yourself.

Life, everything and everyone in it, is a mirror reflection of you!

If we speak in totally spiritual terms, there is only you.

There is no other.

Everyone is one.

And the physical beings that we meet, are simply projections of our own internal state.

Reflections of who we are.

So when we point the finger at another person, we’re really pointing the finger at ourself.

The important thing to understand, is that you are not being punished when you have troublesome people in your life.

You’re being given the opportunity to transform yourself, quickly.

The annoying people around you force you to go deeper into your self-love practice.

They bring your deeper issues to your conscious awareness.

For only when you’re aware of your issues, can you then heal them.

That’s why it’s important to be grateful for the lessons that are shown to you, no matter what uncomfortable form or shape they take.

Of course your ego will simply want to make the lesson-giver wrong, and blame them or judge them.

If you want to learn more about the ego, take a peek at my blog Is your ego controlling your life?

But blame and judgment are coming from a place of fear, not love.

And coming from a place of fear keeps you from having a meaningful connection with the other person, and ultimately, yourself.

Now, the big question I always get asked by my clients when we explore this topic is: 

How do you know if it’s YOUR stuff or the other person’s stuff?

Easy.

If you react to what that person says or does – if you harbour negative feelings as a result of their behaviour – then it’s YOUR stuff.

If you simply notice it – without any form of judgment – then it’s their stuff.

Another person can’t make you feel a certain way.

They don’t have that power over you.

There is a co-operation on your end to accept an insult or be riled by someone else’s issues.

It’s either an unconscious or conscious choice you make to feel a certain way.

The more open you are to this, the more easily you’ll be able to transform those seemingly upsetting moments, into moments of deep healing.

Now it’s important for me to say, that taking responsibility for how you feel, doesn’t mean letting people walk all over you.

And if you have that patten, where you tend to hold back from speaking your truth, then perhaps that’s the lesson you’re being shown:

That it’s time to lovingly set firm boundaries on how you wish to be treated.

There is a misconception that staying in a place of love means biting your tongue in order to maintain the peace.

Essentially, allowing people to take advantage of you or treat you disrespectfully.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

This is actually what’s called ‘spiritual bypassing’.

Love isn’t always butterflies and rainbows!

In many instances, the most loving thing you can do, is teach a person how you wish to be treated, through loving, but firm words and actions.

Often, due to cultural or generational conditioning, patterns have been set up where people treat you a certain way, that is not of a loving nature.

It is your job to show a person how to treat you.

Yes, you are responsible for how you are treated.

And if speaking your truth – not from a place of reaction or emotion, but from a place of loving firmness – is not accepted by the other person, then you have the choice to walk away from that encounter.

Because remember, these people are your mirror reflections.

If you have a history of being bullied, then the only person who can break that patten is YOU.

And that requires you to firstly, stop bullying yourself.

If someone is bullying you, speaking to you in a negative way, raining on your ideas and aspirations, it’s a refection.

A reflection of your internal state.

So you start with YOU!

Instead of allowing the negative mind-chatter airtime, you continually interrupt it with more positive self-talk.

You do the inner work, which is something I teach in the Remarkable Relationships course, so you can essentially unplug the inner critic.

This in itself is so powerful, that you’ll start to shift your relationship dynamics without needing to consciously change anything about how you interact with the troublesome people in your life.

Then what you’ll notice, as you start to develop a healthier internal dialogue, you will naturally start acting and behaving differently with those people, and feel more comfortable teaching others how you wish to be treated.

This will lead to easily being able to articulate healthy boundaries.

For setting boundaries is an act of self-love, for all involved.

When you set a loving boundary, you’re offering the other person an invitation to self-heal.

Although you do need to realise, their healing journey is NOT your responsibility.

You can only lead by example, and leave the other person to decide how they wish to learn, be it through love or fear.

Let me say that again:

The only person you are here to heal, is YOU!

And in healing you, you’re able to heal others through setting boundaries, through being an inspiration or positive role model, and by sharing love with all you meet.

So when someone triggers you, says something hurtful, blames you for something you never did, makes you feel bad about yourself…

Stop…. and breathe.

Then take a moment then (or at a later time when not in that person’s company) to ask yourself:

  • Where I am doing that thing/behaviour in my life?
  • How am I acting that way?
  • Who am I treating in a similar manner? (yourself or someone else)
  • Why am I doing this?
  • What can I do to change this?

If you go into each meeting with a person, wondering:

What can I learn from this person?

What will this person show me about myself?

What are the reflections?

Then each encounter becomes an opportunity to learn more about yourself – to see the reflections – and thus, heal yourself.

But if we see each negative interaction or each time we get triggered as a ‘bad’ thing, judging the encounter or judging the person, then we miss that healing invitation.

We miss our on seeing the mirror reflections.

It’s up you to you decide what you do with each ‘interesting’ encounter.

Judge it, make it bad, blame the other person…

Or use it to fuel your own healing journey.

If you decide to learn from each interaction you have – and in particular, learn from the relationships that trigger you the most – then you’ll continue to learn more and more about yourself and about life.

If you decide not to, then you’ll only hurt yourself.

And you my sweet, deserve so much better than that!

Now what you’ll find as you start to bring your awareness to these mirror reflections, is that…

Some relationships will be short lived, and will end once the learning has occurred.

Once we’ve gathered those mirror reflections.

Other relationships will stay in your life for longer, allowing the two people involved to grow together.

These longterm relationships offer you unlimited opportunities for learning.

These relationships are more rare, because the existence of such a relationship implies that those two people involved have reached a stage – at the same time – where the teaching-learning balance is perfect for them.

This doesn’t mean that they’re consciously aware of this.

For instance in a romantic relationship, perhaps there is a lot of hostility playing out.

Yet, they have agreed that they’re willing to stay in that relationship and learn.

Sometimes slowly, sometimes more quickly.

Children are an example of a more long-term relationship.

What I love about children, is that it’s so very obvious when the parents are out of integrity.

You see, children learn from our demonstration.

They mirror how we act and behave.

That’s why, if your child is doing something unsavoury, you want to look at how and where you are doing this same thing.

Children really are some of our best teachers – offering us amazing reflections – if we’re open to seeing them as such.

Let me share one of the key reflections I saw in my own son Zen recently.

Our little three-year-old had formed a habit of interrupting my husband and I when we were speaking.

Upon reflection, my husband and I realised, that we did the exact same thing.

It was not uncommon for us to walk into the room and start speaking, without first considering that there might already be a conversation at play.

So we did two things…

Firstly, instead of walking into a room and speaking over the top of each other, we would say ‘Excuse me’, and wait to be invited into the conversation.

Secondly, we educated our son on how it’s much more polite to say ‘Excuse me’ if we want to speak when other people are already chatting.

Within a matter of weeks, our son adopted the ‘Excuse me Mummy/Daddy’ way of interacting, which is not only super cute, but has created a much more easeful environment both at home and when out.

As you can see, it all starts with YOU.

Let’s look at another example…

Maybe you have a friend who has trouble sticking to plans, and this really bugs you.

You want to ask yourself:
Where do I not stick to plans?

Am I standing myself up?

Am I saying ‘Yes’ to others, as the expense of saying ‘Yes’ to myself?

When others show a lack of commitment to their plans with us, it’s often a reflection that we are not committing to our relationship with ourself.

You may also want to reflect on why you’re so attached to people sticking to their plans.

Often feelings of everything needing to stay rigidly as is, is a reflection of someone needing to be in control.

Some people use ‘control’ as a coping mechanism; they feel if they can control life, then they will feel safe, and as a result have a lot of trouble simply going with the flow.

Problem is, people who need to control life, and have things go a specific way – often experience a lot of anxiety when plans change or things don’t pan out as anticipated.

What’s really great – but not always comfortable – is that you will attract into your life the exact people you need, to learn the lessons you are here to learn, so that you can heal and thus enjoy a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.

If your mother-in-law drives you batty mad, there is no accident that she came into your life.

What is she doing or saying that is triggering you?

Analyse it, then check in to see where you’re doing those things yourself.

Once you resolve them within yourself, then either 1) Her behaviour won’t bother you anymore, or 2) She won’t do those things anymore.

How you act and behave around another is simply a reflection of what you believe about yourself.

In this way, every relationship – be it with a friend, family member, colleague or stranger – is an invitation to reflect, learn, grow and heal.

This is why I often say to people…

Your relationships with other people are the best self-help program you can sign up for, if you have the tools to heal what gets reflected back at you.

If you treat life as a learning platform, then every interaction is an opportunity to learn and grow.

Every interaction, every uncomfortable situation, every challenge is offering us an invitation to learn, to shine awareness on some old conditioning so we can let it go.

Life becomes our school.

A constant learning platform where we get to learn through the relationships we have.

Relationship with people, but also the relationships we have with our finances, our career, our health and our emotions.

And this is the core focus of the Remarkable Relationships course, where I teach you the exact skills and practices you need to 1) Unhinge the negative self-talk, and 2) Design relationships (with people and with life) that truly nourish you, so you can thrive.

The next Remarkable Relationships course starts March 1.

If you feel called, I look forward to guiding you deeper into learning how to see the reflections so you can relate, live and love better.

Oh, and I’d love to hear how you go exploring this idea of looking for the reflections in the wonky relationships in your life.

Please leave a comment below.

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4 Comments on “Mirror reflections: It’s not you, it’s me.”

  1. Thanks for sharing this Blog, Tamra. It resonates with me a lot. Often I pick up on small things in others, that are traits in myself, but this takes it a step further and asks why is this being shown to me. It is my lesson. Reflect on the reflection.

    1. Yes, when we take this approach life is a very different experience and we really can learn and heal so much within. Enjoy playing with this, and noticing the reflections xx

  2. It’s s for re-sharing this post about mirror reflection. I have read and done work on this a couple of times in courses with you, yet it has taken me time to get to a point of seeing it at play in my day to day interactions. It’s like each time I read it amd work with it I can take it in a bit more. I think in clearing the belief “I am unworthy”. I am able to fully take it in. 💖

    1. Sometimes we just need to be ready to hear the teachings, and when we make ourselves available to them, then we can truely understand them. Just know it’s all perfect timing xx

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