What if the thing standing between you and what you want, is your desperate need to have it? Yep. Annoying, isn’t it? You want the relationship. The baby. The house. The money. The job. You want your body to look a certain way. You want someone to finally apologise.

You want your life to go in a particular direction, and so you hold on tighter.

You think about it. You visualise it. You analyse it. You check whether it’s happening yet. You don’t understand why it’s taking so long. And then you wonder why you’re feeling so stressed about the very thing you supposedly want.

This week on I Love Me The Podcast, we’re going deeper into something we touched on in the last episode: Attachment.

Why clinging to what we want can actually create suffering. And how detachment, is how we set ourself free. Yes, today, we’re discovering how letting go, doesn’t mean giving up. But in fact, creates the space to welcome in something new.

 

Simple, inspiring lessons in self-love. Hello beautiful, it’s Tamra here.

Last week we talked about happiness.

(If you missed that episode you can listen to it here: Episode 103. How to Live A Happy Life.)

And one of the ideas I shared was that the happiest people tend to have fewer conditions on how life needs to unfold, in order for them to feel okay.

This week, we’re going to take that idea one step further.

Because underneath all those conditions, is attachment.

Attachment is basically the belief that:

I need this particular thing to happen, in this particular way, for me to feel okay.

And that sounds harmless.

Until you notice how much of your life is actually built around it.

I need this person to love me.

I need my business to succeed.

I need to lose weight.

I need to have a partner.

I need my child to behave this way.

I need this person to understand me.

I need to know what’s going to happen next.

And suddenly, we’re not living.

We’re managing.

Managing people.

Managing outcomes.

Managing our emotions.

Trying to manage the future.

Trying to make life behave itself.

But life has never been particularly good at behaving itself, has it?

And this is one of the central teachings of Buddhism.

The Buddha spoke about tanha, often translated as ‘craving’ or ‘thirst’.

That instinct to grasp.

To cling.

To say:

“I want this.”

And then:

“I need this.”

And eventually:

“I cannot be okay unless I have this.”

That is where suffering begins.

Not necessarily because the thing we want is bad.

But because we’ve made our happiness reliant on it.

And here’s where I want to make something really clear.

Non-attachment doesn’t mean not caring.

It doesn’t mean becoming cold.

It doesn’t mean giving up on your dreams.

It doesn’t mean pretending you don’t want anything.

And it doesn’t require you to become some serene little Buddhist monk who owns three robes and has absolutely no opinions about anything.

What I’m saying, is that:

You can deeply want something, without needing it to happen.

You can love someone, without needing them to behave exactly as you want.

You can have a dream, without making your happiness dependent on achieving it.

You can take action, without trying to control the outcome.

That is non-attachment.

It’s wanting without gripping.

Loving without possessing.

Choosing without demanding.

And trusting that your life can still be beautiful, even when it doesn’t unfold according to your original plan.

Think about something you’re currently attached to.

Maybe it’s finding a partner.

Maybe it’s buying your own home.

Maybe it’s having another child.

Maybe it’s making a certain amount of money.

Or getting someone to change.

Now ask yourself:

“What do I believe this thing will give me?”

That’s the important question.

Because usually, we’re not actually attached to the thing itself.

We’re attached to how we think that thing will make us feel.

For example, you might think:

If I own my own home, I’ll finally feel secure.

But what you’re really attached to is security.

Or…

When I find my person, I won’t feel lonely anymore.

What you’re really attached to is connection.

Or…

When I earn more money, I’ll finally relax.

What you’re really attached to is peace.

And this is where things get really interesting.

Because what if you could begin cultivating those feelings now?

What if security wasn’t something a house gave you, but something you learned to create within yourself?

What if connection wasn’t something another person completed for you, but something you developed in your relationship with yourself and others?

What if peace wasn’t waiting for you on the other side of your bank balance?

This is the work of detachment or unattaching, as I teach in my Remarkable Relationships course.

Instead of saying:

“I need this thing so that I can feel this way.”

We begin asking…

“How can I begin feeling this way now?”

And suddenly, when you’re willing to explore that, and give yourself the actual thing you want, you set yourself free.

I see this all the time in my one-on-one work.

Someone desperately wants a relationship because they feel lonely.

Well, they eventually find the relationship, only to discover they’re still lonely.

This is because a person or thing cannot give you what you’ve not already cultivated within youself.

The relationship doesn’t remove loneliness.

It simply gives the loneliness someone else to sit beside.

The same thing happens with money.

Someone believes:

When I have enough money, I’ll feel safe.

They make more money.

Then they worry about losing it.

Then they need more.

Then more.

Because the problem was never actually the amount in the bank account.

The attachment was to the belief:

“I am not safe unless I have enough.”

And no external amount or money can permanently resolve an internal belief like that.

This is why unattaching is so powerful when we’re wanting to create something new in our lives.

Because when we’re attached to an outcome, our energy becomes very contracted.

We grip.

We chase.

We monitor.

We second-guess ourselves.

We try to force things to happen, like yesterday.

And ironically, we’re often so focused on getting the thing, that we don’t notice what we’re becoming in the process.

Desperate.

Fearful.

Impatient.

Controlling.

Exhausted.

That’s not the type of energy that you want to create your life from.

Not only because it doesn’t feel good, but because it’s a low vibe energy, that makes attracting what you want, so much harder.

And we talk about this in more depth in Episode 22: When Manifesting Becomes A Way Of Life.

Instead, imagine saying:

“This is what I’d love.”

Then…

“I’m going to do what I can to create it.”

And then…

“I’m going to allow life to show me how this can unfold.”

That’s a completely different relationship with desire.

You still have goals.

You still take action.

You still make plans.

You still put yourself out there.

But you stop making the outcome responsible for your happiness.

And this is where surrender comes in.

Surrender doesn’t mean sitting on the couch eating biscuits and saying, “Whatever happens, happens.”

Although I fully support throwing away all your desires from time to time, if you feel so called.

What surrender actually means, is…

I’ll participate fully in my life without pretending I control it.

I’ll do my part.

I’ll make the phone call.

I’ll apply for the job.

I’ll go on the date.

I’ll start the business.

I’ll have the difficult conversation.

I’ll make the neccessary changes.

And then…

I’ll let go of my demand that life must reward me in exactly the way I imagined!

Because sometimes the thing you desperately want isn’t actually what you need.

And sometimes, life has something even better available.

But you won’t be able to see it if you’re staring so intensely at that one thing, that you’ve decided it must happen.

This is how letting go can create space.

Not because the universe is a vending machine where you release your attachment and suddenly your order drops out of the universe into your lap, but because you become available to possibilities you couldn’t see while you were overly focused on one particular outcome.

So, let’s make this practical.

Think of something you’re currently attached to.

Write it down.

Then ask yourself:

What am I afraid will happen if I don’t get this?

Journal or meditate on it.

If you’re new to either of these practices, I teach you how to journal in Episode 20, and how to meditate in Episode 41.

So once you’ve sat with that question:

What am I afraid will happen if I don’t get this?

Then… explore…

What do I believe this will give me?

Security? Love? Freedom? Worth? Belonging? Recognition? Peace?

Explore what you believe this thing will give you.

Then ask…

How could I begin giving myself more of that now?

Take your time with this question, come up with practical ways of giving yourself that thing.

Then finally… ask..

Can I want this, without needing it?

That last question is the practice.

Can I want it, without needing it?

Can I love this person, without needing them to complete me?

Can I desire success, without making success proof that I’m worthy?

Can I want a beautiful home, without believing my current home makes me less safe?

Can I want my body to change, without making the body I currently live in, wrong?

Can I dream about the future, without abandoning the life that’s happening right now?

That is what we practise.

And we continue to practise it, until we’re able to let go of it.

So we can finally feel free.

This is how we practice detachment.

And if you find yourself thinking:

“But Tamra, I genuinely want this!”

Good!

Want it.

Desire is not the problem.

Clinging is.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more love, more money, a beautiful relationship, a healthier body, meaningful work, adventure, children, a home…

Want whatever you want.

Just don’t make the mistake of believing that getting it is what will finally make you whole.

Because you are already whole.

And when you begin creating from that place, your desires become invitations rather than demands.

This is also why I teach detachment inside my Remarkable Relationships course.

There’s actually a whole module dedicated to learning how to unattach, because it’s such a powerful part of creating healthier relationships with ourselves, other people and life itself.

It took me until I was 30 to meet my now husband, because I was soooo attached to having a loving partner.

For a long time I didn’t feel complete without him.

But in order for him to come into my life, and stay—we’ve been together for 15 years now—I needed to learn the art of letting go.

Of detachment.

I still wanted him in my life, absolutely.

But it wasn’t until I could feel complete without him, that I was finally able to recieve him.

And I remember it so clearly…

I remember saying to my best mate at the time:

You know, I actually feel that if he doesn’t come into my life, it’s ok.

Literally two weeks later, there he was.

This experience taught me the real value of unattaching from what we want, and I’ve applied it ever since.

Whenever there’s something I want, I let myself want it, take the actions I need to invite it in, and then I practice letting it go.

I practice detachment.

For that’s where the magic is.

So if the art of unattaching or as the Buddhists call it ‘detachment’ is something you’d like to explore more deeply, you’ll find all the details to my course in the show notes.

That said, you don’t need a course to begin practising detachment.

Start today.

Notice where you’re gripping.

Notice where you’re trying to control.

Notice where you’ve decided:

“This has to happen.”

And instead, experiment with:

“I’d really love this to happen, but I trust myself to be okay either way.”

Feel the difference in your body.

Because one feels like a clenched fist.

The other feels like an open hand, ready to receive.

And that’s the image I’d love you to take from this episode.

A clenched fist can’t receive anything.

It’s too busy holding on.

But an open hand can give.

It can rest.

It can let go.

And it can receive.

So this week, ask yourself:

What am I holding onto so tightly that I’m not leaving any room for something new?

What belief?

What person?

What outcome?

What version of your future?

What old story?

What are you afraid might happen if you let go?

And then, just gently…

Open your hand.

You don’t have to throw it away.

You don’t have to stop wanting it.

You don’t have to pretend you don’t care.

Just loosen your grip.

Because sometimes, the moment we stop demanding that life give us what we want, we become available for what life wants to give us.

And that’s the beautiful paradox of detachment.

The more we let go, the more space we create.

The more space we create, the more possibility we can see.

And the more freely we move through life, the more capable we become of receiving whatever wants to come next.

So want what you want.

Dream big.

Love deeply.

Take action.

Go after the things that light you up.

But don’t cling.

Don’t make your happiness conditional on getting what you want.

Don’t make your worth dependent on those things.

And don’t forget to enjoy the life you’re already living while you’re waiting for the next chapter to arrive.

Because this moment, isn’t the waiting room.

This is your life.

And when we learn to live it with an open hand rather than a clenched fist, we become free.

If this episode has got you thinking about the things you’re holding onto, I’d love for you to share it with someone who might need to hear it too.

And if you’d like to explore the practice of detachment more deeply, have a look at the Remarkable Relationships program in the show notes.

Until next time…

Go live your beautiful life.

And remember:

You don’t have to let go of what you want.

You just have to let go of needing it to be the thing that makes you happy.