Fear has this remarkable ability to immobilise us. To make us second-guess our decisions, our actions… And to keep us rooted in the familiar.

But what if we could have a different relationship with fear? What if, instead of seeing fear as scary – a reason to run away and hide – we saw fear as a guiding force, nudging us towards our fullest potential?

Today on I Love Me the Podcast, we explore the two types of fear, and how to welcome and work with these fears, each time they come a knockin’ on our proverbial door of life.

 

Let me start by saying, we ALL experience fear.

Some of us more than others.

But fear, is one of the six emotions that scientists recognise as universal in all human populations.

So while we can’t eradicate fear from our life, we can USE it in a new way.

In a way that has the ability to inspire us forth.

But first we need to understand that there are two types of fear.

Functional Fear and what I call Fictional Fear.

Functional Fear is the fear that kicks in when we’re in danger.

For example, when your house is burning down.

It’s Functional Fear that gets you running out of the burning flames to safety.

Functional Fear is necessary, as it helps keep us alive.

And when there is a real threat to our life, then we want this fear to activate within us, so we don’t die or get hurt.

Hence we can conclude… Functional Fear is a good thing.

Fictional Fear, on the other hand, is when there is no real threat to our physical safety.

Unfortunately, living in the modern world, we’ve come to ‘think’ there’s a proverbial bear chasing us down the street.. so we start to pick up the pace, when in actual fact, we’re rushing through life because we’re believing things about ourself that are ultimately not true.

There’s no bear following our every move, we’re simply putting pressure on ourself to answer those hundred emails yesterday or get that project finished early to impress our boss.

We run a full schedule, so at a deeper level we can feel better about ourself, so we can prove ourself…

But the thing is… no amount of running and pushing will get us to where we want to be.

All it does is create stress.

Our problems and inconveniences in life all start to look like big scary bears, and so fear kicks in.

We’re running late to drop off the kids at school, and this fear arises within us.

We start thinking about something we have coming up, or start to worry about the outcome of a decision we’ve made…

Anxiety sets in…

Well, anxiety is a fear of the future.

I go into depth about anxiety in Episode 31: Get rid of anxiety in 2-minutes flat.

Or maybe our childhood conditioning starts rising to the surface, plaguing our thoughts with all sorts of fears.

Fear of what other’s will think of us.

Fear of not having enough money.

Fear of not meeting the right guy in time to make a baby.

That was certainly a big fear for me, prior to meeting my husband.

Fear of being met with some unfortunate circumstance.

Fear of failure.

Fear of success.

Fear of the unknown.

I could spend all day running off a list of common fears, and I’m sure you could too.

You know what fear is.

We all do.

And let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel great.

Especially fears that linger for years.

Fears that ultimately dictate the direction we take in life.

‘Oh, that feels too scary, maybe I won’t walk down that lane of life.’

The important thing to realise though, is that:

NONE of these Fictional Fears are life-threatening.

They’re all things we’ve made up in our head, based on some beliefs we took on about ourself as a child.

In this way, these fears are just stories that we make up, that keep us in this adrenalin-fuelled state.

People usually either rush rush rush never stopping for fear that this proverbial bear will catch up with them…

OR… they run away and hide from the bear.

The fear paralysing them.

The fear is activated within us, not because we’re in physical danger, but because our sense of identity or self-image is in danger.

An identity we formed a child.

In other words, the things that we have come to believe about ourself.

As I share in Episode 2 – Programmed for Love – up until the age of 7 we take on beliefs about ourself, which form how we think and feel about ourself.

And so we create metaphorical bears all over the place.

And before we know it, life becomes one big fight for survival.

We’re locked in this cycle of perpetual fear.

And when we’re in fear, not only do we lose connection to our inner voice – or as I like to call it, our True Self – but we put the body into a state of stress, which makes us more available to illness and disease.

We’ll talk more about that in next week’s episode.

OK, so we know that Functional Fear kicks in to keep us alive and safe.

It’s there to serve us in this way.

What then, is the purpose of Fictional Fear?

Fictional Fear arises to let us know there is a growth opportunity up ahead.

Yes, like ALL of the wonderful emotions available to us, fear has a purpose.

And that purpose is to show us that there is a growth opportunity, that perhaps, we’re not aware of.

So what do we do when Fictional Fear – or as I’ll refer to her now, as ‘Little Miss Fear’…

What do we do when she knocks at our proverbial door?

Because she will…

Little Miss Fear likes to drop in for a cuppa tea every so often.

Sometimes Little Miss Fear likes to drop by several times a day.

And that’s ok.

It’s how you respond to these unexpected visits from Little Miss Fear that will either hold you back, or propel you forward.

So instead of shutting her out or cowering in her presence, imagine welcoming her with open arms.

Yes, actually embracing her!

Instead of trying to push Little Miss Fear away, or denying she’s even there, pretending she never stopped by…

We acknowledge her presence.

We feel it, we know it, and then we choose to use it, in a positive way.

How do we do this?

How do we embrace Little Miss Fear?

It starts with knowing that fear is not our enemy, but rather a messenger.

Little Miss Fear shows up to let us know we’re stepping outside of our comfort zone, venturing into unchartered territory, and pushing the boundaries of what we thought was possible.

Fear then, is a sign that we’re about to grow.

Let me just say that again, because this is the key to unhinging fear; to sending Little Miss Fear on her merry way.

Fear is a sign that we’re about to grow.

Fear shows up to let us know there’s an opportunity for growth.

And if you’re like me, you like growth.

You want growth.

Because growth is what allows us to flourish in life so we can create the things that we most desire.

Without growth we really are stagnant.

And you’ve possibly heard of the saying: You’re either growing or you’re dying.

Well, I certainly know which I’d prefer.

So Little Miss Fear rocks up at your door and you welcome her with enthusiasm, and say:

‘Hi Little Miss Fear!

I’m so glad you dropped by, because I know every time you visit you’re actually just here to let me know I have an opportunity for growth.

To learn something new.

To experience something greater than I’ve experienced before.

Thank you Little Miss Fear.’

It feels a little different doesn’t it?

Getting excited when Little Miss Fear shows up on the doorstep unannounced?

When we know that we have a growth opportunity on our doorstep, it helps us get excited about our future.

Well, it’s that excitement that dissolves the fear.

That’s what shows Little Miss Fear the door.

Fear cannot exist when we feel joy, when we feel love, when we feel excitement or inspiration in our body.

Love – and it’s many positive attributes – they drown out fear every time.

Every time Little Miss Fear pops over, every time she overstays her welcome, we have a choice.

We can let her drag us down, hold us back, keep us from all the things that we’d rather be doing…

OR we can recognise the real reason for her visit:

To let us know that growth is on the way.

As soon as we know the reason for Little Miss Fear’s visit, she’ll leave.

Her job’s done.

Her message delivered.

When we understand this, we can dance with fear in a new way.

Instead of allowing Little Miss Fear to paralyse us, we can let her be a source of inspiration.

So next time Little Miss Fear pays you a visit, don’t be so quick to slam the door in her face.

Instead, invite her in for a cuppa tea.

Listen to what she has to say.

Ask her questions, like:

What is this fear trying to to tell me?

What lessons can I learn from it?

And how can I use this fear to propel myself forward?

Let the fear guide you.

Learn from it.

And you might just find that Little Miss Fear has invaluable wisdom and guidance to share with you.

Let’s look at a practical example you might be able to relate to.

You’ve been asked to give a presentation at work, but you have a massive fear of public speaking.

You can let fear disable you and tell your boss to give the presentation to someone else…

OR you can meet the fear, feel the fear, and realise that the fear is inviting you to step out of your comfort zone and grow.

Yes, by giving this a go, you can learn some new skills, share the abundance of knowledge you have, and maybe even get a promotion.

And who knows, maybe by doing this presentation, you might even lessen your fear of public speaking.

See, so many opportunities for growth, all disguised as ‘fear’.

I’ve been in a similar position.

11 years ago I was invited to tour with Sexpo Australia as their Relationship Expert, and deliver a bunch of presentations to hundreds of people at each event.

This was an amazing opportunity for me to share my teachings, only problem was, I had a massive fear of public speaking.

What did I do?

I said yes, and then I looked at the beliefs causing the fear – I’ll share that full experience in a future episode – and then I got up there, and did the talks.

Yes, I was scared to begin with, but with each talk I became more confident, and by the end of that first year, I’d fallen in love with public speaking, so that now public speaking is within my comfort zone.

Because when we lean into our fears, we expand our area of comfort.

I talk more about this in depth in Episode 17: Are you comfy sitting in your comfort zone?

Let’s look at another example…

Your partner has been offered a 1-year stint in a foreign country with his work.

And he can take you with him.

You’ve never travelled overseas, so this scares the knickers of you.

That fear you feel, is showing you there is a growth opportunity.

And maybe that growth opportunity is to embrace the adventurous side of yourself that you’ve kept safely hidden away, for fear of… well.. everything.

You’re always so planned, you never let your hair down.

Perhaps this is your chance.

Or maybe the growth is in learning a new language… you’ve always wanted to speak two languages, but fear of not being able to do it, has held you back.

Kept you safe in your English speaking country.

Or maybe the growth opportunity is simply about being willing to try something new.

What’s important to understand, is this…

It’s totally up to you whether you let Little Miss Fear move in for the night, the week, the month…

… or whether you greet her at the door, accept her message, and move on with life in a new way.

Even if you’ve been sitting with Little Miss Fear for some time now, you can still ask her for guidance, and once you have the answers you need, request she leave, so that you can get on with that growth.

So… next time you feel Little Miss Fear move on in, I invite you to stop…

Take a deep breath in…

And as you exhale.. see if you can be grateful for Little Miss Fear’s arrival.

Knowing that she has shown up for one reason, and one reason only…

To let you know there is a growth opportunity available to you.

An opportunity to experience something new…

Something, that on a deeper level, your soul is craving, so you can be more aligned and on your path.

Each time we take this approach…

Each time we confront Little Miss Fear head-on, we become stronger, more resilient people capable of achieving things we never thought possible.

I promise, if you take this approach, you’ll no longer fear Little Miss Fear knocking on your door.

Little Miss Fear will become your friend.

A friend popping her head in every so often, just to let you know that some growth is on the way.

And to help you take some time to reflect and feel into what new direction you need to take, to allow that growth in.

OK, let’s recap.

We have Functional Fear to get us moving out of harm’s way.

If we’re in danger, it’s Functional Fear that can save our life, or stop us being injured in some way.

If you’re NOT in physical danger, then you know that you’re dealing with Fictional Fear.

A fear that you’ve made up.

Based on the untrue stories that all of us tell ourselves every day.

And the best way to work with that fear is to invite Little Miss Fear to tea with you, so you can ask her some questions…

Do some inner reflection, and discover what new path is unfolding for you…

What growth is available to you.

Once you get excited about this new growth prospect, the fear will dissolve.

That’s the cool thing about Little Miss Fear..

She’s simply acting like a signpost on the path to self-love, letting you know a growth opportunity is up ahead.

And once you know that, and embrace that fact, fear becomes a whole lot less scary.

If you found this episode helpful, if you feel like it’s given you a way to deal with fear, please share it with your friends, so they too can learn the truth about fear, so it no longer holds them back.

And if you’re loving what I’m sharing on I Love Me The Podcast and want to dive heart-first into self-love, I invite you to take a peek at my online school gettingnaked.com.au where I teach you how to strip off the layers of childhood conditioning so you can fall in love with YOU.

Sign up for your free Self-Love Starter’s Kit there, and if you do enrol in any of my programs, know that a percentage of profits go to planting trees, so together we can re-robe Mother Earth.