Relationships are delightfully fulfilling at their best and gravel-rash painful at their worst.
Whether it’s a good friend or a romantic partner, being able to let go after a relationship has ended, isn’t always easy.
But if you’re open to exploring what that relationship gave you and what you can learn from it, then it can be one of the greatest gifts.
The first thing you must understand is this: The reason we get so attached to a person and feel they simply must be in or life, is because that person has been fulfilling a ‘need’ in us.
It’s not the ‘person’ that we really want, it’s what that person was ‘giving’ us that is so difficult to let go of.
Ultimately, the person becomes the face of the needs we are not meeting in ourself.
When we start to meet those needs within ourself – this is what we call self-love – then we are not dependent on relationships with others in order to feel happy.
You have all you need in your life and the relationship is an added bonus.
And if that relationship does end, you still feel full.
Complete, on your own.
So how do we get to that point?
First, you need to grieve for the old relationship.
Sorry! There’s no skipping this step.
If you don’t give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel you will carry that suppressed grief into your next relationship.
Let the emotional detox begin by… Writing a Letting Go Letter!
Grab a pen and paper, go to a place where you can be alone (somewhere in nature is always lovely) and write a letter to the person you are not yet ready to let go of.
You don’t need to know what to write, simply let the words flow out onto the page.
Let go of everything!
The purpose of this exercise is to empty out all of your negative feelings and emotions towards that person.
The reason this is so important, is because if you allow those feelings to stay inside of you, they clog you up, and eventually overflow much like a rubbish bin that is never taken out.
So in this letter you are quite literally emptying out all the emotional rubbish you’ve accumulated towards that person.
There may be things you need to say to that person that you’ve never had the chance to say, there may be anger or other negative emotions you need to express; whatever comes out, is perfect.
Don’t judge it, simply let it flow, and if tears need to be shed, let them flow too.
Once you’ve let it out, and you have absolutely nothing left to write, do NOT give the person the letter!
Watch it go up in flames, along with any negative feelings you had towards that person.
This is a very cleansing exercise.
What usually happens, is you will have some deep insights and reflections about the role you played in your relationship and what it has taught you.
This is a tool I share with all of my one-on-one clients, whether it’s letting go of a past romantic relationship, or letting go of the hurts taken on from a relationship with a family member or work colleague.
Bring the focus back to YOU!
Write a list of al the things that person was giving you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and then start giving those things to yourself.
For example, if he was helping you feel ‘safe’, consider what you would need to feel safe on your own.
Do you need to start a savings account to feel financially safe?
Do you need to get a dog so you feel physically safe?
Do you need to develop a solid belief in your own capabilities so you can feel emotionally safe?
Become your own rock!
The love you crave is not out there but in here.
You don’t need to be in a relationship to feel loved.
You can love yourself.
In fact, you can fall in love with yourself.
We can only be loved by another as much as we can love ourself.
So if you want a healthy relationship with another person, then start working on your relationship with YOU!
Know that your old relationship has ended because it is no longer serving you. It is no longer in your highest good.
You may not be able to see that right now, but trust that the universe has your back, and will only allow in what you absolutely deserve.
The truth is when someone leaves your life you’re not actually losing anything.
All you ever needed and all you will ever need is inside you.
Time to let go of the old and make room for YOU!