Today we’re diving into a topic that so many women silently struggle with, but almost no one talks about openly. And honestly? We need to talk about it. We need to take it out of the shadows, out of the Google search tabs at 2am, out of the quiet shame curled up in the back of your mind… and bring it into the light.

So let’s talk about vaginismus. Yep, we’re going there today, so if you have little one’s listening, maybe this is an episode, just for you.

If you’ve ever tried to put something inside your vagina — a tampon, a finger, your partner — and your vagina basically said, “Nope, not today… or any day… bye!” Then this episode on I Love Me the Podcast is going to feel like one big exhale.

Because vaginismus is not your fault. You’re not broken. Your body isn’t betraying you. And you CAN, absolutely, heal.

So brew a tea, belly-breathe, unclench your jaw (yes, I see you), and let’s talk about what vaginismus actually is… and what your beautiful body is trying to tell you.

 

Simple, inspiring lessons in self-love. Hello sweet soul, it’s Tamra here.

So, what is vaginismus?

Basically, it’s where your pelvic floor muscles are doing the emotional equivalent of curling into the foetal position and whispering, “Not safe! Not safe! Retreat!”

In more official terms:
It’s an involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles around the vagina, making penetration painful, difficult, or in some cases, impossible.

But here’s the important part — those muscles aren’t ‘misbehaving’.

And they’re certainly not malfunctioning.

The truth is:

They’re protecting you.

Think of them as over-enthusiastic security guards who got one too many memos about safety and are now tackling everyone who walks through the door.

Not helpful.

But well-meaning.

And this protection response doesn’t just show up in sexual situations — it’s often the result of long-held patterns in the body.

Which brings me to…

Where vaginismus comes from… and why you’re not crazy!

There’s a myth floating around that vaginismus is psychological, as if it’s all in your head.

But really… your vagina isn’t playing mind games with you.

The body tightens for very real, very understandable reasons:

Firstly…

Habitual Tension

Most women carry tension in the pelvic bowl without realising.

You clench when you’re stressed.

You clench when you’re cold.

You clench when you’re trying not to fart in yoga class.

You clench because the world is loud and you’re tired.

Over time this becomes your default setting.

And a tight pelvic floor is basically the perfect environment for vaginismus to take hold.

If you want a more in depth understanding of pelvic floor tension, have a listen to Episode 26 and Episode 27, where I I debunk common pelvic floor myths, and help you discover if your pelvic floor is weak or strong.

The second reason the pelvis tenses, is because of:

Trauma

This can include painful first-time experiences, rough penetration, medical trauma, sexual trauma, birth trauma or even a single moment your body perceived as unsafe.

Trauma doesn’t have to be dramatic or big to leave an imprint.

What you need to know, is:

The pelvis remembers what the mind tries to forget.

The next reason is:

Unresolved Emotions

This one surprises people — but the pelvis is like a little emotional storage locker.

Shame? Stored.

Fear? Stored.

Not feeling safe to express yourself? Stored.

Growing up being told ‘good girls don’t do this, that and the other’? Definitely stored.

You might be carrying decades of emotional residue in your pelvic floor.

And finally, we have…

Childhood Conditioning

The things we absorbed before we even knew we were absorbing things.

I have a whole episode on childhood conditioning, it’s Episode 2: Programmed For Love, and explains how this conditioning is absorbed into our subconscious mind, and essentially influences the rest of our life.

The kinds of conditioning that can be behind a condition like vaginismus, are hearing messages like:

‘Sex is dirty.’

‘Your body is shameful.’

‘Boys always want something from you — be careful.’

‘Don’t touch yourself.’

‘Good girls keep their legs closed.’

Or even more subtle conditioning, like:

Never being taught about your anatomy; this was certainly my experience growing up.

Learning to disconnect from your body.

Always being on guard.

And perfectionism.

Yes, even that tightens the pelvic floor!

Your vagina has been listening this whole time.

So of course she clenches.

Of course she’s wary.

She’s been conditioned to protect you, even when you feel you don’t need protecting anymore.

So….

Now we know what creates vaginismus…

How do we go about healing vaginismus?

Well… here’s the part most mainstream advice gets wrong:

You can’t force your vagina open.

You can’t bully her into softening.

You can’t stretch her like a hamstring.

You have to make her feel safe.

She needs to feel seen.

Supported.

And allowed to let go.

That’s why healing vaginismus is not a mechanical process.

Healing vaginismus is a nervous system process.

A muscular process.

An emotional process.

A whole-self process.

And this is why Yoga for the Vagina works so beautifully, in healing vaginismus.

I created Yoga for the Vagina over a decade ago, to guide women on how to connect with their lady parts, and use gentle, yet powerful postures, breathing techniques and massage, to invite the body — and the pelvis — back into harmony.

Why it works so well with vaginismus, is because in Yoga for the Vagina, we’re not just ‘stretching muscles’.

We’re doing deep inner work on:

Releasing chronic pelvic holding patterns, relaxing the body in a way the nervous system understands, softening emotional armour, processing old memories stored in the pelvic bowl, creating safety in the body from the inside-out, and bringing breath, awareness, and love to places we’ve disconnected from.

Women often come into the program thinking they just have a ‘tight vagina’.

But after a few months of regular practice, they start to realise:

They were holding their whole life in their pelvis.

Here’s why it works:

We begin by…

Releasing tension — gently.

When you take time to breathe into the pelvic bowl, invite the muscles to soften, use well-aligned postures to open the hips…

Pressure patterns start releasing.

The body starts unwinding.

Not through force, but through love.

Your pelvis starts to learn:

Oh… it’s safe to let go.

Now…

The mind and body don’t just ‘talk’ to each other — they mirror each other.

They’re two expressions of the same inner landscape.

So when the body begins to let go, the mind follows.

And when the mind softens, the body follows.

Which means:

As your pelvic muscles release, all the emotional imprints that were being held there finally get permission to move, too.

Grief that’s been sitting quietly for a decade.

Fear that settled into your pelvic floor like a long-term tenant.

Shame you absorbed before you were old enough to question it.

Anger you were never allowed to feel — let alone express.

As these emotional layers unravel, the body responds in the only way it knows how:

By softening.

By opening.

By coming back into harmony.

Once the body softens…

You have an opportunity to:

Re-teach the vagina what safety feels like.

Through gentle practices, loving awareness, and reconditioning the nervous system.

Your vagina learns that life isn’t a threat.

Penetration isn’t a threat.

Pleasure isn’t a threat.

As this happens…

You rewire your old beliefs.

Fear gets replaced by trust.

Shame shifts into openness.

Tightened muscles and tissues relax.

What started out as a disconnection from one’s body, turns into a deep re-connection with one’s body.

Suddenly, you’re no longer in ‘protection’ mode.

And when that happens, you’re free to feel pleasure.

For it’s really hard to feel pleasure in a tense body.

Tension means that energy isn’t free to move through the body, like I teach in my Sexual Self course.

But when we release tension, we create space in the body, so we can truely feel again.

When it comes to healing vaginismus, it helps to know that:

Your vagina is simply a messenger, who wants to communicate with you.

To let you know that somewhere along the line, you took on something that has made her feel unsafe in some way.

But if you’re willing to enter into a conversation with her…

By spending time with her…

Then she will open.

Because she wants to feel good.

She wants to be healthy and experience pleasure.

I’ve seen women who thought penetration was impossible, finally experience pain-free sex.

Women who thought something was ‘wrong’ with them finally reclaim their confidence.

Women who avoided intimacy for years suddenly feel alive again.

Not because they forced themselves.

But because they learned how to relax into themselves.

So my love…

If you’re struggling with vaginismus right now…

Know that…

You’re simply carrying things your body is finally ready to release.

And with loving awareness, and heart-felt guidance, you can let go of what is ready to be shed, so you can finally feel free in your pelvis.

So you can finally come home to your body, your sexuality, your softness and your power.

For healing doesn’t happen through force.

It happens through presence, compassion, curiosity, and connection.

And if you’d like guidance in unwinding the old patterns, releasing the emotional layers, and giving your vagina the love she’s been waiting for…

Yoga for the Vagina is always here for you.

You can get your free Yoga for the Vagina Starter’s Sequence here, to start your healing vaginismus journey.

Until next time —

Be gentle with your beautiful body.

For she’s listening.

And she’s ready to heal.